Thursday, November 13, 2008

honey vanilla chamomile tea. [elastic.]

Lately I've had a perpetual feeling of tightness in my chest, and that feeling seems to echo the character of my life in days of late. I feel like a rubber band, and that I'm being stretched and pulled until the tension grows just shy of my breaking point, only to be released ever so slightly to stay intact, then just as I let out a breath of relief--the tension begins again. I am reminded of a line in The Fellowship of the Ring, one that I've actually always rather poked fun at, until now, when I know exactly what Bilbo means when he says he feels "like butter scraped over too much bread."
I am coming up on the home stretch of my college career and I scarcely feel that I can make it. I have numerous in-depth papers to write, The Whetstone to keep on task, photography jobs to shoot and edit, and on top of everything else I now have a graduation speech to write, practice, and stress over delivering in front my graduating class without stuttering. I'm not sure exactly what God is trying to do to me here, and I hope that he intervenes soon to give me just one breath before I am plunged back into the sea of my anxiety.
Have you ever stretched a rubber band, grasping it fully with both of your hands, until it snaps--stinging your hands, but you hold it tightly together to keep it from completely falling apart? I feel as if that's what God is doing with me right now. Though he stretches me to my absolute breaking point--complete with spur of the moment blubberings, and unnecessary trenchant remarks aimed at helpless victims--he is holding me intact with his strong and able grasp. Though I am broken, he is the mortar that holds my pieces intact. He has also blessed me with a master stone mason to help pick up, and carefully put back, the pieces that I force to the ground.
I am at my breaking point, but hold to the hope that I have in my Savior and the gift of my faithfully strong husband. Please pray for me. Pray that I can get it all done without falling apart, and pray that even if I do break, that I allow those who love me to help put me back together again.
God can make me into the most magnificent mosaic, but I must be willing to become His restored masterpiece.
I am no Humpty-Dumpty.

Tryingly,

Caitlin

4 comments:

Laura Rebecca said...

Oh, dearest. I will pray. And you are getting a hug on Saturday.

Amethyst said...

Caitlin, remember how I told you Wednesday night that constantly God has sent me the urge to pray for people over the last few weeks?
I didn't tell you this, but the truth is, EVERY time, God was telling me to pray for you.
I love you, and I'm excited to be near you today :)

bookishme said...

Caitylin, I am and have been lifting you before the Father. I want to assure you that I have no doubt that you will do swimmingly (!) on all you have to accomplish, including the speech.
You are my sweetie! I loved spending time with you.

Mom

HFR said...

The Lord has blessed you to see his beautiful plan my dear cait. You can see clearly what he is doing in and through your life. Although it burns, he is running you through the fire like a potter when they are finished sculpting the clay. You know that when the pottery has been through the fire it comes out more radiant and with a sheen that reflects light. You my dear are being crafted by the God of the Universe!

I am in awe of your perseverance and humility. I am praying. I love you!