Monday, February 2, 2009

tension tamer ginger tea. [just a bit of my own, please.]

I find it quite ironic that after a seemingly definitive statement of contentedness in my last post, my thoughts have scarcely left the subject this whole week, and here I am again writing about it.
My mouth says "I want to be content. I am content." Yet my spirit is completely contradicting, and throwing itself against what I say I am. It is not that I am ill content with my marriage, nor really even my financial situation--though if I sat around dwelling on the negatives all day I could probably find reasons to be so with both, quite unjustly so when I think of my wonderful husband and all he does for me.
Jeremy and I were given a book for Christmas called A Year with C.S. Lewis. It's basically a devotional-like daily reading from any and all of C.S. Lewis' works. There have been many poignant readings thus far in the year, but one in particular this morning really put a clench in my chest. In an excerpt taken from The Weight of Glory, Lewis talks about how God doesn't demand a certain amount of our time and attention, or even all of our time and attention--but it's our whole selves that he demands. We must not try to keep a little part to ourselves, for if we don't let go completely there will be not enough room for him in our lives. Everything must be given up, trusted in God's hands, even the little things we think we can handle, or the dreams we must cling to so that they don't get too far away from us and are never attained.
I realized that is exactly what I am doing. I have this passion, this yearning to go live and serve in the UK, I know this is a passion given to me from God--but my dream to go and live there is something that I've had--and still have even after this conviction--a hard time releasing my grasp upon. I am terrified to let it go because I don't want to lose sight of it; I don't want it to get lost among the bustle of my life here and now and be forgotten until it's too late. That's a silly thought though, I must admit to myself. For if this passion and yearning is really from God, He will fulfill it in my life. He will bring it to fruition--just in his own timing, not mine.
I have to constantly remind myself of this. If it is God's will for my life, it will happen--and nothing I do or don't do, or forget or remember will change His plan for me. To give this up to Him, is to allow Him room to work--room to bless, and His blessings are always infinitely more than I could have hoped for. I cannot keep this dream to myself and hope that I, in my own strength, can achieve what must be left for the perfect time--of which who can know but He?
"For He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless unless He has us. When we try to keep within us an area that is our own, we try to keep an area of death. Therefore, in love, He claims all. There's no bargaining with Him."
--C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

In an effort to give up the bit of my own,

Caitlin

4 comments:

Laura Rebecca said...

Dearest, I don't want to say something trite, because I don't think you need or want to hear that. But I do want to say that I pray for you--and as selfish as I would like to be and keep you here (or where I am) for years and years, I do not doubt that our dear Father God is going to do wondrous things with you and Jeremy.

You know what I think of? I think of your graduation speech. The perfection of his plans never ceases. I know you know that, and maybe it does sound trite, but I just wanted to speak it. For my sake, too. And one more truth: I love you.

Amethyst said...

Lovely, sweeting.
Just like you and the God-given desire to serve and live in the UK, I know my love of writing is from the Lord---and yet, if He asked for it back, could I let go? I wonder. It's a nerve-wracking thought. My mouth says I could do it, freely, of course, for God---but could I truly?
I'm afraid.

bookishme said...

Caitly, as your mom I am thrilled that you are striving to please God, and as your mom I am equally distressed to know you are struggling... but I have faith that you will persevere.

God is and will continue to bless you and Jeremy.

I love you and your honesty.
Mom

Laura Rebecca said...

Do you have any more poetry? 'Cause I've been thinking about "White Flag" and I would to hear more of such creations. Pretty please?