Wednesday, November 17, 2010

mid-november. really?

Can anyone else really believe that we're half way through November yet? And that Thanksgiving is next week? Does it seem to anyone else that the older you get, the quicker time slips by without you noticing, and the next thing you know you're a year later and you're not sure how you got there? At this time last year I was just settling into the insanity that is the Christmas season at Biltmore--yes, it starts about a week into November. Our plans were still for Jeremy to be the one in school and perhaps maybe we would go to Scotland, but for now we'll just worry about the usual: money, jobs, and what the heck we're doing with our lives. And now, a year later, I am the one in school, and we really are in Scotland, in Edinburgh, and I'm getting a degree in Highland Studies and learning to play the fiddle. Really?
It does feel a bit more tangibly real now that we're in a long-term rental and can finally settle in and make a home. But still, sometime I have to stop, look around at the beautifully old Georgian architecture of the main square of my campus, or out my door, through the buildings to the craggy mount of Arthur's Seat sitting just yonder in Holyrood Park, a stone's throw away from my front door. (Okay, so I'd have to have a really good arm for it to be an actual stone's throw, but still, it's right there.) But it's all true, we really are here, I'm really doing this degree--though don't bother asking what my dissertation is on, because I still have no idea--Jeremy has a good job, and we're living here, in Edinburgh, where we wanted to be. I know I am incredibly blessed to be here, and I am so thankful that things worked out just so for it all to happen. But sometimes--sometimes I still wonder what I really am doing here. Yes, yes I'm going to school and Jeremy and I are on an adventure and what have you. But really, why am I here, what will the future bring us on this path that we're on? Regardless of what you may think, I know I am here for a reason, and that there's a purpose for all that we're encountering and experiencing here, but I can't help letting my so-human mind wander and question and honestly, sometimes just despair at not understanding a distinct purpose for my time and studies here. I know I should just sit back and enjoy it, and take it as it comes, but if any of you know me at all, you'll know that that's not how I do things. I have a hard time not having a framed plan complete with bullet points and a checklist. There's nothing I like more than revising a plan and checking things off a list and experiencing the satisfaction that comes from the accomplishment of a well-laid plan come to fruition. And nothing I hate more than uncertainty and stress from loose ends.
But you know what? Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe I need to tone the control-freak in my brain down, and maybe kick her out all together. Because the truth is, as long as I am doing what I love and finding my real purpose in the only thing that matters, then what can truly go wrong? Lots of little things might snag here and there, but what are those but flavours that make life that much more brilliantly complex and beautiful?
I am here. I am learning Scottish Gaelic. I am learning to play the fiddle. I am getting a Master's Degree in Highland Studies. I am living in a city that is older and more full of history than anywhere I have ever lived. I will relish all of that in the here and now, and not fret about what will come of it in the future. For if I focus too much on what is to come, I'll miss out on all the loveliness and flavour that will make what comes that much better.

I hope my words can encourage you other control-freaks and future-worriers, and maybe we can all help keep each other accountable to really letting go. Yes?

Here's to the unknown.


Oh, and photos of the new flat coming soon. :)


Ellar said...

Cheers to that. :)

Amethyst said...

oh look at your dear face. I miss you. Your hair is quite long, petal!
I'd like to make useless and insightful comments, but I just miss you and can only moon about. Love you!